If Westwood made a game....

now i'm not trying to turn the blog into a -gamey- thing, but I do have a 360, I make games for a living so I play a ikkle bit now and then. Games are expensive so I buy them 2nd hand, or I rent them as i normally rape the shit out of them in a weekend. So i found myself perusing the selves at EB Games (Read: Game if you're in the UK), looking for a new game to play. The selection was sparse to say the least, but I figured that some racing was on the cards... nice shiny cars, some sleek handbrake action and to quote Hunter S; theres nothing a Policeman respects more than some "quick heel, toe action"......
having grown tried of Test Drive Unlimited and Gotham Racing I picked up the next best thing... Need For Speed Most Wanted. Its a little bit old but it's meant to be good....

(and here we go)
See that picture? That's of the game that is!! See the bloke below??
That's Tim Westwood... he's a massive prick, he dresses like a 6ft Eminem and has no talent, he is a no talent prick that is somehow still alive and broadcasting... if you don't believe me, have a listen to his sound board:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/westwood/soundboard.shtml

I'm not sure if the Beeb are proud or just taking the piss out of him having this on their site, you can see it now, poor little Tim crying in the corner because no-one takes him seriously... and the people at the Beeb consoling him "Now now Big Tim, its all good, people love you, you have millions of fans" then as they walk away under their breath going "Lanky fucking prick has nothing but chav's listen to him"

Now Little Timmy hosts "Pimp My Ride" in the Uk, this is a show that brings Wiggers, Chavs and the occasional Emo together infront of the TV... in perfect harmony, they all love a good pimpin... no they do. So as we know:

• Westwood is a prick
• A talentless prick
• With no dress sense
• He hosts "Pimp My Ride"
• Chavs / Wiggers and Emos love "Pimp My Ride"

It's also a well known fact that when people learn to drive they like to, ahem, do up their ride. You've just passed your drivers test, mum and dad buy you a car.. but its not good enough, where are the rims, the spoiler, the bangin sound system?? Where is it??? Noooooooooo!!

These new drivers then go out to their garage with rolls of sticky backed faux carbon fibre plastic and do a Blue Peter style "Self-Pimp-Their-Ride", they even use Humbrol model paint

(shit i'm starting to sound like Jeremy Clarkson here)

and they just bodge it up!
They then go to bed, but before nodding off they write a little note for the Pimp Fairy and put it under their pillow, they then goto sleep. Dreaming the dream of an innocent child.... "Please Westwood, please come and pimp my ride as i've just fucked it up!"

Thankfully most of these dreams go unanswered (unless you live in Basildon of course), their ride is a mess, a Fiesta 1.2 with some superglued on wheel arches and a knock off XR2 badge on the back...

Shit where was I?
Ah yes
Need For Speed Most Wanted
If Tim Westwood had any part in game design he'd have made this game. I shit you not! Thankfully he didn't have a part in it, but somewhere there was "Marketing" (I always feel that "Marketing" is one of those double negative words) the "Marketing Department" heard on the "Grape Vine" from the "Hip Kids" that are "Out There" that "Street Racing" was huge and as the Need for Speed Franchise is a little bit lack luster these days that they could make it big again... eeeeeerrr wrong! It seems that EA (From now on in this post refered to as Eat my Ass) hired a bunch of chav's to get the game idea, a programmer that lives on Pluto to sort the physics out and then let "Marketing" just have-at the rest of it.... how hard is it to make a racing game???? Not very!

They have made a really really really good game... if the game was a (here comes a very long line, to make it readable I will add underscores between the words):
supermarket_shopping_trolley_with_an_engine_,_nitrous_and_a_very_fucking_big_
engine_that_was_set_entirely_on_a_frozen_lake_with_a-very_bright_sun_that_can_be_
pimped_up_like_your_fucking_gran_in_a_velour_tracksuit_that_was_never_even_in_
fucking_fashion_when_they_were_first_introduced_to_the_World_in_1656_bc,_simulator
EatMyAss has yet again fucked it up, they make games like Hanson and the Backstreet Boys make music... very fucking poorly (Cunts)

There are one or two good points about the game thou!:

• It can be turned off
• and it can be turned off

Whomever decided that the AI cars should brake infront of you in the middle of a race needs to get their fucking head punched in, also I thought that "upgrading" my car with better tyres would make it go round corners better?? Does it fuck! The little bar above the car does say that I have "upgraded" the handling, but i have found out what it really means (again with underscores), it says:
hello_ea_here_thank_you_for_spending_$2000_on_these_tyres_they_make_your_car_
handle_better_around_corners_look_the_bar_just_went_up_so_it_must_be_true!_
Doesn't_our_game_look_great_Tim_Westwood_helped_us_with_the_physics!_,_he_thinks_
it's_great_he's_a_bit_of_a_lanky_prick_but_he_really_does_know_about_car_physics_
he_showed_us_a_note_from_his_mum_saying_so

So there you go, crap game... if you don't believe me i'll write you a note!

EA & Westwood 1
Dowsett 0
Shit!

If anyone needs me i'll be in the shed with me sticky backed faux carbon fibre plastic doing a bit of a Blue Peter numer on me bike :)